Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
