i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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