Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
is the fantasy fufillment of sex in a hot tub worth the possible infection?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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