Im not sure if he just tripped or was star gazing, but i gave him head anyway.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
