I wish I could teleport
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize
