he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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