Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Vodka shot parachutes
Fucking utilizing a thrid story dorm room
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
