Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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