Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
