Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
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