Soap is not a condiment
I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
