but the lizard people decide everything anyway
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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