I CAN MOONWALK!
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I am naked and annoyed.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
