as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
