He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize