does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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