I want to make a zoo with you.
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize