I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
how drunk are you?
Several
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
