He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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