nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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