I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
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