omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
