He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
