In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
