I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I am undressing in in n out. They migit ca5l security. Are you provn d6 me?
OH MY GOD. SO PROUD.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Randomize
