Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Randomize
