How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Randomize
