I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Why did my mother make you get naked?
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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