The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Randomize
