i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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