I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize