Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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