if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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