I want to have your abortion
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
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