how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
