I hate all girls vehemently.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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