proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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