I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
