this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I miss vodka workout Fridays
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize