I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Randomize
