Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I look better un-naked...
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Randomize
