So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Never underestimate the power of titties
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
