where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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