Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
