The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
