Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
