I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
