You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
