i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
The Olympian is in my bed
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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