yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
Randomize
