I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Randomize
