I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
