Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
i can't believe he threw up on you. Well thats what you get for being DD. I used the sombreros as a shield!
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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