it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
i think we sleep fucked last night...
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
