Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize