I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
you yelled that ur labia majora was swollen at 3 am in the dorm hallway
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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