How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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