Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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