My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just invented taco cereal.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
